so, i've had a bit of a sleeping problem recently. i go to bed and then lay awake for hours. tonight i was so tired at 9:30 that i thought nothing could keep me awake... but here i am, an two hours later, blogging. anyway...
i was thinking about how i have to give my testimony in a few weeks, and how i haven't given my testimony in years-- probably since i went on my first mexico missions trip my sophomore year in high school. as i began thinking about my "journey through faith," i thought about how awful my papers must've been in high school, ranting and raving in ignorance about things i will never really understand this side of heaven (*cough*homosexuality*cough*). i thought i had some of these papers saved somewhere, but alas, i couldn't find them on delilah. i might have them buried on CDs in a drawer at my parents' house, the few remnants left of my huge early 90's tank of a computer, but until then i will just have to be content to remember (or forget) my ignorance and be thankful about the fact that it is impossible to have those particular thoughts reproduced.
well anyway, the point of all this, is i decided to read some of what i wrote my first few semesters at wheaton. because i'm mildly OCD about organizing files on my computer, my papers and notes were all neatly arranged for easy navigating! i started flipping through various classes from different semesters and quads and professors and i stumbled upon my CS Lewis class by Dr. Jerry Root. let the record state: i love that man dearly. he has been so crucial in my spiritual development in ways that i dont think he or i could ever really understand. i know its a wheaton cliche to love jerry (and i do love cliches), but for real, he is loved by everyone for a reason. he's fricken awesome! but i digress.
basically, this class was once a week for 16 weeks, and i read 9 (10?) CS lewis books. thats a whole lot of the lew in a short amount of time. me and clive were like this (you can't see my fingers, but they are crossed). we had to write one page reflection papers on each of the books we read, and i just looked at one that is particularly relevant to my life in general. and now we come to the part of the story that actually has a point:
in
The Screwtape Letters, Lewis takes the position of a demon named Screwtape that is writing letters to his nephew, Wormwood, a new demon that is learning all the tricks about being a demon and how to keep people from growing in Christ. wormwood's project is a new christian, and one of the things that screwtape says to wormwood is "As long as he does not convert it into action, it does not matter how much he thinks about this new repentance…The more often he feels without acting, the less he will be able ever to act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel” (p.66-67). yeah. ouch. how often do i do that? i am full of all kinds of fun facts about the city and the poor and materialism and loving people. however, i am content with those facts. i like thinking about these ideas and pretending that i am so awesome at living them out, but the truth is, i fall into this trap time and time again. time for a
flashback:
"i sat there above the city wondering if I was like the parrot in Lewis's poem, swinging in my cage, reciting Homer, all the while having no idea what I was saying. I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in the name of altruism, but have i even controlled my own heart? the overwhelming majority of the time i spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when i am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. six billion people live in this world, and i can only muster thoughts for one. me."
-
Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller
all this to say, i probably will still walk around with a head full of interesting facts to spout off (like the fact that irvine has 55,500 trees). however, it is good to be reminded that while i want to raise awareness about these things, i need to be conscious of my own heart.